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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.